By Charlotte J.S. De Backer

1. We overvalue individuals.

We live in individual-focused societies. We are encouraged to understand ourselves, improve ourselves, and pursue our own goals and wellbeing. Social science often mirrors this focus, explaining behaviour through personalities, attitudes, cognitions and motivations. Yet humans did not evolve and cannot survive as isolated individuals. “Interpersonal relations are fundamental to us. The desire to belong is one of the strongest human drives” (p. 9).

Of course, individuals matter. Each of us is unique, with different personalities, motivations and experiences. In fact, relations only become interpersonal when we recognize another person as unique and irreplaceable.

But unique individuals are also interdependent. We depend on others a little or a lot, equally or unequally, by choice or circumstance. Our interests can align or conflict. We have shared pasts and expectations of a shared future. All this shapes what happens between us and, in turn, who we are.

So, individuals matter but understanding them in isolation only tells us part of the story. To understand human behaviour, we need to look not only within individuals, but between them.

2. Interpersonal relations are messy.

Looking between individuals is difficult. We cannot see a relationship as we can see the people within it. Relations are invisible structures, and even what counts as “interpersonal” is blurry. So how can we define and study them?

Some frameworks help create clarity. Using the ideas of Martin Buber and Emmanuel Levinas, we can create a matrix of interpersonal dynamics. Interactions range from highly instrumental (treating others as means to an end, I–it relations) to humane, recognizing others as unique human beings (Thou relations). And, interactions range from awareness of others’ needs and vulnerabilities to blindness to inequalities and ethical responsibility.

And then there is context, or better: contexts. Our ancestral context equipped us with evolved mental mechanisms for navigating social life (human universals). Their expression varies through group and individual differences, shaped by culture and unique life histories. Situational contexts trigger different mechanisms and patterns. And the Digital Age adds another layer, changing the inputs and effects.

Thus, as I conclude in Chapter 2: “Everything is context, and context is everything” (p. 22).  

‘Relationships are our most important resource, and at the same time the most complex aspect of the world we have to navigate. Charlotte De Backer’s book provides an important guide to this world.’

– Robin Dunbar, University of Oxford, UK

3. Conflict is good for us.

Contexts change. People change. Relationships change. A relationship that never allows its rules, roles and expectations to be challenged risks becoming impersonal rather than interpersonal. Conflict creates space for change. Conflict is good for us.

That may sound counterintuitive. We tend to place cooperation, closeness, empathy and care on the bright side of relationships, and conflict, aggression and exclusion on the dark side. But that distinction is too simple.

Of course, cooperation is good for us. It brings us closer. Yet the same mechanisms can create boundaries: caring deeply about us can make us less caring towards them. In-group cooperation can fuel out-group conflict.

Conversely, conflict is not necessarily bad. When two unique, interdependent people have different needs, interests and perspectives, conflict is unavoidable. Handled well, it solves problems, creates space for differences and allows relationships to change, preserving their unique, interpersonal character.

The question is not how to avoid conflict, but how to communicate it: nonviolently and with empathy, understanding another perspective without necessarily agreeing.

“So, do not aim to avoid conflict in interpersonal relations. Instead, explore how to navigate the storm with grace” (p. 63).

4. We cannot not communicate.

With communication we build, maintain and sometimes break interpersonal relations. We create closeness, boundaries and exclusion. We initiate relationships, negotiate conflict, and repair damage. We communicate comfort, not just with words, but through presence and other communication tools.

Communication in this book covers much more than words. Faces and bodies communicate, although they never simply reveal what someone “really” thinks or feels. Without context, the body tells us little with certainty. We communicate through what we wear and how we move and dance. Food communicates too: what we eat, prepare and share can signal care and trust, hierarchy and exclusion. Even silence can communicate intimacy and comfort or rejection and punishment. All these different forms are discussed in the book.

The Digital Age complicates this landscape further. Text messages can leave us lost in translation, so we add emojis, which of course can also be misunderstood. Viral dances let us synchronize across distance. And a screen can create safety: lowering inhibitions, facilitating self-disclosure, and enabling conversations about taboos difficult to disclose face-to-face.

Whatever tools we use, communication remains relational: “Life is not a one-way street; it is a reciprocal process influenced by the needs, goals and perspectives of all parties involved” (p. 13).

5. We will never fully understand interpersonal relations.

Few things matter more to humans than our interpersonal relations. When I was asked to write this book for a series called Understanding, I hesitated. After years of studying interpersonal communication, I would not claim that I, or anyone else, fully understand interpersonal relations.

We can identify evolved mechanisms that help explain cooperation and conflict. We can examine how culture, development and situations shape relationships, and how the Digital Age changes the environments in which they operate. But none of this will ever fully explain what happens between particular people.

The goal is not to fully comprehend interpersonal relations. As Buber said: “The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings.” We must approach others with curiosity and ethical care, accepting that some things between us will remain beyond our understanding.

Interpersonal relations will always involve trial and error, repair and change, all requiring communication. We may never master our relationships, but we can keep communicating, listening, and trying to understand each other.

As I conclude the book: “The book [will] not provide you with all the answers, but I do hope it [will help] you embrace the mystery and beauty of what makes us connect” (p. 203).

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Charlotte J.S. De Backer is a Professor of Interpersonal Communication at the Department of Communication Studies, University of Antwerp, Belgium